Queer Sex: Dilemma I

Ok, scenario:

You're whacking the bush of a woman who is a good friend of your close friend's boyfriend (with me so far?). And you know that the relationship of the friend and his boyfriend is a bit shaky. They had agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, but you know from both the friend, the boyfriend, and the woman that there has been at least one infidelity. (You suspect maybe more than one, in fact, though you have no "hard evidence.") You then discover from the woman that the friend's boyfriend may not be practicing safe sex--but you hear this info 3rd hand (she has heard it from her roommate, who had a conversation with the guy). So you don't know the context in which that info was conveyed. What you have is shaky evidence, hearsay testimony, and a request from the woman not to tell your friend what you know.

Do you:
(a) break the confidence and tell the friend anyway, ensuring that you include all of the caveats about (shaky evidence, 3rd hand info, etc)--all because you're worried about potential bodily harm?
(b) let the situation unfold as it is
(c) confront the guy and ask him yourself
(d) get someone else to do the dirty work for you (i.e. get the woman whose bush you're whacking to talk to the guy and find out what he says is happening before you decide to confront anyone)

The ethical questions are mind-boggling, the levels of responsibility multiple. One assumes that the friend is responsible for being taking care of himself and being careful. But then again, he is in a trust relationship--and if he doesn't trust the guy, the thing really is over. On the other hand, we do live in pretty non-monogamous times--and queer life has always been lived in ways that don't adhere to heteronormative standards of intimacy (people have affairs and relationships do survive). Presumably the guy who's fucking around has a responsibility not only to be safe, but to disclose unsafe behaviour to his partner. But whose responsibility is it to intervene when this does not happen?

My solution to the above is option 4--for the time being. Find out as much information without rocking the boat without actually rocking the boat. Then rock the boat as needed. There are some kinds of information that must be disclosed in spite of confidences--simply for the safety of others. But one must be sure of disclosing information, not just idle gossip.

Posted by Bush Whacker at February 23, 2003 09:40 AM